they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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