remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
