Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
