did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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