ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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