i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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