idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
