ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We are all done wearing pants today
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
