Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
