being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
