genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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