he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
