I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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