Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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