you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
