so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
