Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
