I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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