Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize