Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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