Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
