High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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