Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
