I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You ruined the universe
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
