Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
