My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Randomize
