I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
