Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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