What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
