I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just had sex on a roof
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize