Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
