I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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