just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
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