i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
