so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
