So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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