Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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