what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
