So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
