mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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