omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
