____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
