Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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