Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
