i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
