she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
