I am full of burrito and curiosity
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
