you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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