Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
