Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
