by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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