We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
