we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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