How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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