Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
