mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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