Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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