Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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