My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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